By Lisa Hostetler Brown, LawyerLisa
Ask the Expert: How Do I Plan When My Children and Stepchildren Don’t Get Along?
Expert Answer: Blended families are more common than ever, and with them come unique challenges—especially when it comes to estate planning. While love may bring families together, differing expectations, loyalty to biological parents, and long-standing tensions can make navigating inheritances emotionally charged. When children and stepchildren don’t get along, having a clear and thoughtful estate plan isn’t just helpful—it’s essential.
One of the biggest mistakes in blended family planning is assuming “it will all work itself out.” Without written instructions, what you leave behind can lead to confusion, resentment, and even costly legal battles. This is particularly true when there are unequal distributions, or if a surviving spouse is expected to “do the right thing” after your death without any legal obligation to do so.
Start by being realistic. Acknowledge family dynamics as they are—not as you wish them to be. If tensions exist between your children and your spouse’s children, your estate plan should account for that. This may mean using tools like a trust to ensure your biological children are protected while still providing for your spouse or stepchildren. Trusts can allow you to set clear terms and avoid probate, which keeps your wishes private and less vulnerable to challenges.
Communication is key. While you’re not required to share every detail of your plan, giving your family a general sense of your intentions can help reduce misunderstandings. Consider writing a personal letter to explain your decisions—especially if they might be perceived as unequal. Sometimes, fairness doesn’t mean equal—it means thoughtful.
It’s also important to choose the right people to handle your estate. If your children and stepchildren don’t get along, naming one of them as executor or trustee can create conflict. In these cases, a neutral third party like a professional fiduciary or trusted advisor can help keep things fair and objective.
Lastly, update your documents regularly. Life changes—marriages, divorces, births, deaths—all can affect your plan. Make sure beneficiary designations on retirement accounts and life insurance policies align with your wishes and the rest of your estate documents.
With blended families, estate planning isn’t one-size-fits-all. It requires honest reflection, clear documentation, and the right guidance. Done well, it can help preserve family relationships—or at least prevent further strain—while ensuring your legacy is honored. A strong elder law and estate planning attorney can guide you through this making sure your wishes are clearly laid out so there is no question about your plan.
