By Radley West
I failed a client whose goal was to lose weight. Unfortunately, in my world this is not a new or unique event. However, there’s more to this story and why it is important.
My client planned to get to the gym three times per week and track her food. When we met at the end of the week, she’d done neither.
So we tried again. Get to the gym one time, don’t worry about tracking anything. When we came back together the following week, she’d also missed those goals. And she was beating herself up, hard, for all that she wasn’t doing. All of the progress that she wasn’t making.
“I know what I need to be doing,” she said. “I’m just not doing it. I just need to try harder.”
Therein lies two of the most common myths regarding behavior change, which is the most important thing in creating a healthier life.
1. That making change is simple, and
2. That making said change is just a matter of willpower.
Those two myths are the root of a great deal of shame when it comes to change.
If we assume that developing a new habit or breaking an old habit is simple, then we are upset and frustrated with ourselves when we find the change harder to make than when our friend sets out to make the same change. There’s something wrong with us. We are incapable of change. We just need to try harder and put in more effort. The same can be said of believing that our behaviors are simply a matter of willpower. We berate ourselves when we don’t have the discipline to start or stop a new behavior. We just need more willpower. We already have a ton of willpower – we use that resource to do our jobs, to take care of our families, and to be a responsible member of society. Our struggle to make positive self-change is more complicated than self-control or effort.
Going back to the client whose goal it is to get to the gym three times per week and change her diet and who is struggling . . .
We continued to meet over the course of the next few months – she made some progress, but after six months was disappointed in herself that she hadn’t accomplished more. She hit some goals and missed others and was trying to decide whether or not being healthier was even worth her effort.
Over time, our conversations gradually switched from setting SMART goals to talking about other aspects of her life. She talked about how her life-long battle with weight has always hung over her head. We talked about her shame – about her struggle to love herself and her body – we talked about her ambivalence about the process. How she both wanted to lose weight and also feared making some of these changes. She found a good therapist. Then she started doing the hard work, about past traumas and hurt, about grief, about identity. As she had those conversations, she began to find more room in her emotional world to make some of the SMART goals. She got to the gym. And she started taking back her life, piece by piece.
The story isn’t based on any one person. It’s based on hundreds of interactions I’ve had with clients over the years. The thing about this whole behavior change process is that it’s wound up pretty tight with this whole feeling thing. And this emotion thing. And this life thing.
So if you are one of those people reading this right now and feeling like changing habits should be easier, or you just need to try harder, stop for a minute and challenge those thoughts. Dig a little deeper. Examine your defensiveness. Examine your ambivalence. And try to give yourself some grace. Because as much as I wish it were, change is never as easy as just doing it.
Radley West is married to Dr. Andrew West and together they own Anytime Fitness Lake Murray and 33/18 Chiropractic Associates. Radley is a gym owner and personal trainer with more than 20 years of experience helping people achieve non-traditional health goals. She and her team approach fitness by teaching clients to build better habits and create sustainable, feel-good fitness and nutrition routines—no need for intense six-pack aspirations (unless that’s your thing).
